there are periods in life where everything seems to be moving in opposing directions. no matter how forward-moving your thinking and motivation may be, the universe always has its own agenda. there can be periods of absolute synergy, where everything and everyone you encounter seems to be in tune with the rhythm of your soul. there are also times, however, when everything seems to be in juxtaposition - energies are not aligned and it can feel like trying to shove a square peg repeatedly into a round hole. right now it appears as though energies are shifting quickly in the latter direction, for myself and many others.
i have heard it all this past week. cars getting stolen or wrecked or breaking down. people losing their jobs or going through break-ups. close friends and family members transgressing the living realm, leaving grieving loved ones behind. and all of this ok.. it's life. but that doesn't make any of these trials any less heart-breaking. everyone has their own cross to bear and i can't help but notice so many people i love weighed down by the gravity of their respective worlds right now.
i spent this past weekend in napa with my family. my stepfather has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of years suffering complications from radiation he underwent while battling thyroid cancer. unfortunately for the family, his battle with cancer has recently come to a head - the tumor is back and is causing bleeding in his esophagus. he has been in the hospital for a over month, underwent a tracheostomy (and thus can't speak, only write) and it appears as though his days are numbered. his daughters have flown in from washington and gautemala to stand vigil by their father's bedside. my mother spends her days juggling her life as a physician and her life as a bereaved spouse. at this point jeff's battle with the cancer is a waiting game and from day to day we can't be certain whether he'll make it to the next. it has been a terribly trying experience for us all and the worst part is not knowing when it will (and not wanting it to) end.
my family, for the most part, has been fragmented since i was a little girl. i am a product of divorce and other familial dysfunction so various points in my life have been punctuated by the in-and-out of parents' new spouses and partners. i have witnessed my parents' own heart-wrenching breakups and the whiplash of personal awareness that succeeds such violent personal upheavals. i have yo-yo'd back and forth between resenting my parents and feverishly wanting to protect them. i have been anchored by their grief and inspired by their resolve. yet in the end, they've learned their own lessons and i've learned mine.
10 years ago my mom met a man who graciously and lovingly slipped into the position of devoted spouse, and jeff has been walking with us down this windy, sprawling road ever since. though he and i were never particularly close, the love and adoration he has shown my mom over the past decade has afforded him a beautiful, sacred place in my heart. his presence in my mother's life has been steadfast and consistent, a welcome reprieve from the vacillation of previous men. so the distress i am experiencing is two-fold: experiencing jeff's delicate dance with life and death while bearing witness to my mom's pain and foreboding.
while spending time with my family this weekend, my "project" fell to the wayside. i became more concerned with being present for my family and less concerned with whether or not i was juicing or going to yoga. and i'm fine with that... because in essence, being with my family is taking care of me too. the people i love are an extension of myself so time set aside to honor them is, by association, taking time to honor myself. and accordingly, in order to be present for my family it is necessary that i am occupying a healthy, powerful space in my own life. i can't attempt to carry the weight of their burden if i'm not strong enough to carry my own.
so this past month has been quite a journey. i have watched my mother, quiet and strong, executing her own intricate choreography of spouse and caretaker, her labored dance of love. i've witnessed my stepsisters slowly coming to terms with their father's morality. i've felt the impact jeff's absence has had on my niece and nephews when they audibly wonder where their "grandpa jeff" is, can they go and visit him? this month has seen its fair share of sadness and tears, joy and laughter, confusion and apprehension. but the biggest takeaway is love. this month has seen an insurmountable quantity of love. though we all come from different places, different blood lines, different backgrounds, we have found unity and purpose in one simple word: family.
so here's to life. may you live it unabashedly and well. may your heart guide you to people who love and accept you, people you can call your family. may your presence on this earth touch and inspire those you meet. and upon your exodus from this world, may you realize the beautiful significance of having been "you".
"what can you do to promote world peace? go home and love your family."
-mother teresa
i have heard it all this past week. cars getting stolen or wrecked or breaking down. people losing their jobs or going through break-ups. close friends and family members transgressing the living realm, leaving grieving loved ones behind. and all of this ok.. it's life. but that doesn't make any of these trials any less heart-breaking. everyone has their own cross to bear and i can't help but notice so many people i love weighed down by the gravity of their respective worlds right now.
i spent this past weekend in napa with my family. my stepfather has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of years suffering complications from radiation he underwent while battling thyroid cancer. unfortunately for the family, his battle with cancer has recently come to a head - the tumor is back and is causing bleeding in his esophagus. he has been in the hospital for a over month, underwent a tracheostomy (and thus can't speak, only write) and it appears as though his days are numbered. his daughters have flown in from washington and gautemala to stand vigil by their father's bedside. my mother spends her days juggling her life as a physician and her life as a bereaved spouse. at this point jeff's battle with the cancer is a waiting game and from day to day we can't be certain whether he'll make it to the next. it has been a terribly trying experience for us all and the worst part is not knowing when it will (and not wanting it to) end.
my family, for the most part, has been fragmented since i was a little girl. i am a product of divorce and other familial dysfunction so various points in my life have been punctuated by the in-and-out of parents' new spouses and partners. i have witnessed my parents' own heart-wrenching breakups and the whiplash of personal awareness that succeeds such violent personal upheavals. i have yo-yo'd back and forth between resenting my parents and feverishly wanting to protect them. i have been anchored by their grief and inspired by their resolve. yet in the end, they've learned their own lessons and i've learned mine.
10 years ago my mom met a man who graciously and lovingly slipped into the position of devoted spouse, and jeff has been walking with us down this windy, sprawling road ever since. though he and i were never particularly close, the love and adoration he has shown my mom over the past decade has afforded him a beautiful, sacred place in my heart. his presence in my mother's life has been steadfast and consistent, a welcome reprieve from the vacillation of previous men. so the distress i am experiencing is two-fold: experiencing jeff's delicate dance with life and death while bearing witness to my mom's pain and foreboding.
while spending time with my family this weekend, my "project" fell to the wayside. i became more concerned with being present for my family and less concerned with whether or not i was juicing or going to yoga. and i'm fine with that... because in essence, being with my family is taking care of me too. the people i love are an extension of myself so time set aside to honor them is, by association, taking time to honor myself. and accordingly, in order to be present for my family it is necessary that i am occupying a healthy, powerful space in my own life. i can't attempt to carry the weight of their burden if i'm not strong enough to carry my own.
so this past month has been quite a journey. i have watched my mother, quiet and strong, executing her own intricate choreography of spouse and caretaker, her labored dance of love. i've witnessed my stepsisters slowly coming to terms with their father's morality. i've felt the impact jeff's absence has had on my niece and nephews when they audibly wonder where their "grandpa jeff" is, can they go and visit him? this month has seen its fair share of sadness and tears, joy and laughter, confusion and apprehension. but the biggest takeaway is love. this month has seen an insurmountable quantity of love. though we all come from different places, different blood lines, different backgrounds, we have found unity and purpose in one simple word: family.
so here's to life. may you live it unabashedly and well. may your heart guide you to people who love and accept you, people you can call your family. may your presence on this earth touch and inspire those you meet. and upon your exodus from this world, may you realize the beautiful significance of having been "you".
"what can you do to promote world peace? go home and love your family."
-mother teresa
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