gettin juiced....

ah, we meet again... lovely to see you here!  welcome to my second installment of "musings of a millennial", or if you're into the whole brevity thing (name that movie), M.O.M.

so before i delve more deeply into this new project i have created for myself, i suppose i should qualify for just a moment (it'll only take a minute, i swear).  though i have recently (read: 1,460 days) been stuck between an existential rock and hard place, i'm lucky enough to have been swept under the wing(s) of some amazing people.  that being said, the inspiration to embark upon this journey was not innately mine.  the seeds were planted, in part, by my good friend liz.  if you know me well, you probably also know that liz has saved my life on multiple occasions.  in addition to taking me in when i was down and out, she has also offered legions of emotional support throughout the past four years, yo-yo-ing back and forth between friend and therapist (bless her heart).  she has been and continues to be a solid, steady, grounded influence for myself and many others. so when she shot me a text this past weekend saying she was planning a juice cleanse and i should suit up as well, i was pretty sold on it.  given her past experience with cleanses (and my complete lack thereof), i figured this would be a favorable way to ease into the process. in many ways this haphazard safari was inspired by liz.  so let's give it up for liz... she deserves at least a couple kudos, some pats on the back and (if you're feeling spunky) a round of applause. 

notwithstanding liz's influence, i've reached this "i need to change my life" apex many times before on my own.  sometimes i've even managed to make monumental changes.  for a period of time, i stopped drinking.  i ran every day, did yoga, ate healthy.  i was fit as fuck!  i worked a spiritual program that allowed me to face my shortcomings head-on and accept myself wholly and gracefully.  cultivated strong relationships with family and friends, as my head and heart were in healthy, wholesome places.  but remember that heart-wrenching relationship i mentioned before?  everything i was doing to honor myself at that point was a pathetic attempt to breath life into something that was already dead... as if finally taking care of myself would suddenly make my love quandaries clear and crystalline, for both him and myself.  well, hindsight is 20/20.  needless to say, when said relationship ended for good, self-respect and confidence flew out the door.  i started self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, food... anything that served to remove me from myself even the slightest bit.

these indulgent tendencies have not served me well.  i have no energy.  i find i'm depressed more often than not.  i'm much, much heavier and out of shape... all these factors combined have resulted in a rapid decline in self-esteem.  this rapid decline in self-esteem has resulted in most self-respect being thrown out the door.  without self-respect, i find that i am timid, afraid even, to meet new people.  i have woven my own anti-social, anxiety-ridden cocoon. 

but no more!  i choose to channel my inner susan powter and say, "stop the madness!"  this is my 30 day regimen for an intensive life makeover:


THE PLAN :
DIET/LIFESTYLE: 
-2 weeks of strictly juiced veggies/fruits (supplemented with raw veggies/fruits, and protein on a few occasions)
-after 2 weeks, i will slowly begin to incorporate solid foods (mostly veggies/fruits) and lean protein back into my diet
-no drinking for 30 days (this includes holidays)
-substitute tea for coffee
-i will also be attempting to ween myself off cigarettes (for good!)

EXERCISE :
-30 day yoga challenge (thanks to the lovely folks at Yoga to the People, this won't have to break the bank... they are a donation-based yoga studio and the classes i've taken so far have been great.  check them out: Yoga to the People, Berkeley )
-dancing approximately 2-3 times per week
-depending on energy levels, the gym may be an option (however, having not done one of these cleanses before, i'll play this one by ear)

PERSONAL GROWTH :
-supplementary literature: "the four agreements", "the power of now", and others that fine people like yourself will hopefully recommend
-going to various prayer circles, drum circles, liturgies, etc. to attain a sampling of the religious tutelage i have at my disposal (2-3 different ones per week... suggestions welcome!)
-create at least one body of art per week (whether paint, charcoal, choreography, etc.... just a means of getting creative juices flowing) 
-blogging!

this is the trifecta: diet/exercise/spiritual development and personal growth.  i know it won't be easy.  but i also know the hard work will pay off.  there will be days i'm feeling euphoric and days i'll want to throw in the towl.  i realize a lot of emotions will bubble up to the surface; some i'm willing to face and some i'm not.  but this is existence... this pain, this joy... this is living. 

i want to invite you on this epic quest.  i would love and appreciate your support and guidance during the next 30 days... but more importantly, i want to be a source of support for anyone who might be reading this. anyone who's gotten lost along their desired path and meandered down a road they've known all too well was not designated for them.  basically, anyone who's felt the way i have.

and most importantly... i'm doing this for myself.  i'm helping that lost little girl inside me finally find her way home.

"we should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them."
-alain de botton

1, 460 days later...

"musings of a millennial", eh? as the turn of the century happened more than a decade ago, the title of this blog seems less apropos than it did when i created this account four years ago.  in 2008, being a "millennial" seemed relevant, as i was reaching my mid-twenties (a shiny new pedestal of progression) and had "come into my prime" shortly following the turn of the millennium... unfortunately for me, what i thought was my "prime" was actually an elongated adolescence whose deceit lay ensconced within a delicately-woven tapestry of false volitions.  how telling that my first words gracing this blank page will take place four years (1,460 days) down the road from the "old me".  1,460 days ago i had a lot of suspicions as to what my future would look like.  99% of those visions have fallen through.  but today i find myself at a precipice, older and ready to grab destiny by the horns.  it took me those four years to finally be ready.

now... it is 2012.  i'm turning 29 in less than 6 months. i am just now starting to be fully emotionally and spiritually healed from the most heart-wrenching relationship and break-up in my life. i'm becoming more and more certain about what i don't want to do, yet am broaching a level of ambivalence toward what i do want as life catapults me closer and closer to "adulthood" (although, i ascertain that actual adulthood is a complete fabrication).  i both count and curse my blessings.  i feel in synch with the gentle tides of the universe one day, only to feel as though its monstrous waves are abetted to crash down upon my brow the next.  i am so sanely and insanely me.  i am a host of contradictions.  and i've decided something needs to change.  that feeling is what has brought me here, to the ether of the internet, to share these words with you.  i am tired of being silent.

the plan for reclaiming ownership of my life, though not concrete, is lofty.  on some levels i believe it will be necessary to change dietary and health habits... drink less, smoke less, do cleanses, exercise.  another aspect is opening myself up, spiritually and emotionally, to the tides of life.  this will involve meditation, yoga, reading, writing and doing art... allowing my soul to affect the world around me, not vice versa.  another will merely be to push myself outside of my comfort zones and place myself in situations that will foster personal growth and development.  and i'm telling you all this because i am inviting you on my journey. 

though this may all seem jumbled, and may not make any sense.... in essence, this  is an attempt to find my voice.  though i never completely lost it, i have neglected it for a long time, assuming that other people's voices held more weight.  i'm ready to reclaim it...  and i refuse to spend another 1,460 days trying to find it again.

and i want to know:

"tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
-mary oliver