life retrograde: an ode to loving and living

there are periods in life where everything seems to be moving in opposing directions.  no matter how forward-moving your thinking and motivation may be, the universe always has its own agenda.  there can be periods of absolute synergy, where everything and everyone you encounter seems to be in tune with the rhythm of your soul.  there are also times, however, when everything seems to be in juxtaposition - energies are not aligned and it can feel like trying to shove a square peg repeatedly into a round hole.  right now it appears as though energies are shifting quickly in the latter direction, for myself and many others.

i have heard it all this past week.  cars getting stolen or wrecked or breaking down.  people losing their jobs or going through break-ups.  close friends and family members transgressing the living realm, leaving grieving loved ones behind.  and all of this ok.. it's life.  but that doesn't make any of these trials any less heart-breaking.  everyone has their own cross to bear and i can't help but notice so many people i love weighed down by the gravity of their respective worlds right now.

i spent this past weekend in napa with my family.  my stepfather has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of years suffering complications from radiation he underwent while battling thyroid cancer.  unfortunately for the family, his battle with cancer has recently come to a head - the tumor is back and is causing bleeding in his esophagus.  he has been in the hospital for a over month, underwent a tracheostomy (and thus can't speak, only write) and it appears as though his days are numbered.  his daughters have flown in from washington and gautemala to stand vigil by their father's bedside.  my mother spends her days juggling her life as a physician and her life as a bereaved spouse.  at this point jeff's battle with the cancer is a waiting game and from day to day we can't be certain whether he'll make it to the next.  it has been a terribly trying experience for us all and the worst part is not knowing when it will (and not wanting it to) end.

my family, for the most part, has been fragmented since i was a little girl.  i am a product of divorce and other familial dysfunction so various points in my life have been punctuated by the in-and-out of parents' new spouses and partners.  i have witnessed my parents' own heart-wrenching breakups and the whiplash of personal awareness that succeeds such violent personal upheavals.  i have yo-yo'd back and forth between resenting my parents and feverishly wanting to protect them.  i have been anchored by their grief and inspired by their resolve.  yet in the end, they've learned their own lessons and i've learned mine.

10 years ago my mom met a man who graciously and lovingly slipped into the position of devoted spouse, and jeff has been walking with us down this windy, sprawling road ever since.  though he and i were never particularly close, the love and adoration he has shown my mom over the past decade has afforded him a beautiful, sacred place in my heart.  his presence in my mother's life has been steadfast and consistent, a welcome reprieve from the vacillation of previous men.  so the distress i am experiencing is two-fold: experiencing jeff's delicate dance with life and death while bearing witness to my mom's pain and foreboding.  

 while spending time with my family this weekend, my "project" fell to the wayside.  i became more concerned with being present for my family and less concerned with whether or not i was juicing or going to yoga.  and i'm fine with that... because in essence, being with my family is taking care of me too.  the people i love are an extension of myself so time set aside to honor them is, by association, taking time to honor myself.  and accordingly, in order to be present for my family it is necessary that i am occupying a healthy, powerful space in my own life.  i can't attempt to carry the weight of their burden if i'm not strong enough to carry my own.

so this past month has been quite a journey.  i have watched my mother, quiet and strong, executing her own intricate choreography of spouse and caretaker, her labored dance of love.  i've witnessed my stepsisters slowly coming to terms with their father's morality.  i've felt the impact jeff's absence has had on my niece and nephews when they audibly wonder where their "grandpa jeff" is, can they go and visit him?  this month has seen its fair share of sadness and tears, joy and laughter, confusion and apprehension.  but the biggest takeaway is love.  this month has seen an insurmountable quantity of love.  though we all come from different places, different blood lines, different backgrounds, we have found unity and purpose in one simple word: family.

so here's to life.  may you live it unabashedly and well.  may your heart guide you to people who love and accept you, people you can call your family.  may your presence on this earth touch and inspire those you meet.  and upon your exodus from this world, may you realize the beautiful significance of having been "you".

"what can you do to promote world peace?  go home and love your family."
-mother teresa

project: progress

one week of cleansing is (almost) officially done.  it has been interesting so far, but i've managed to avoid caving to temptations.

my diet this past week has basically looked like this:

breakfast: green or black tea and a mason jar of "everything but the kitchen sink" juice (celery, cucumber, carrots, apples, bok choy, cabbage, jicama, ginger, cilantro, parsley, spinach, yellow bell pepper, etc.)

lunch: another 1/2 mason jar of said juice (supplemented with almonds and slices of carrots/red bell peppers)

dinner: 1/2 mason jar of chicken broth with vegetables (if i've worked out that day, will throw some chicken in there as well), followed by some rooibos tea

snacks: carrot sticks, red bell pepper slices, almonds, guacamole (homemade)

so that's that, folks.  this is what i've been subsisting on for the past week and, for the most part, i feel great!  was originally intending to do solely juice and vegetables, but on day 3 realized that being physical (yoga, gym, dancing, etc) meant that i needed to throw some protein in there.  wound up macking on a little bit of tofu fried in coconut oil, as well, but could tell it was what my body needed.  if anything, this cleanse has been an interesting experiment in really listening to what my body is telling me... now that i've completely cut processed and manufactured foods out of my diet, i realize that when my body is feeling a bit weak after yoga or the gym it's really screaming, "i need protein!".

though it has been fairly smooth sailing, i can't say that i haven't been tempted to say "fuck it".  this past friday was especially difficult, as the universal entities culminated in a perverse trifecta of egg rolls, tamales and pizza at the school.  oh, how i wanted a bite of those greasy, delectable treats!  it took every ounce of willpower not to succumb to those cravings... what helped the most was realizing that 30 days of not eating stuff like that isn't the end of the world.  come the end of december, i can stuff my face with all the egg rolls i want (however, i'm hoping at that point i won't even have the desire to!).

the yoga challenge has also been going well.  not gonna lie, have missed a few days... but not for lack of trying!  the yoga studio is in a high-traffic area of berkeley, so going to their evening classes can be tricky when it comes to parking.  that being said, though, i've been active every single day thus far (whether dancing, gymmin it up or gettin my downdog on), so i can't get too down on myself.  in fact, i think the days i don't make it to yoga are a sign of some sort - the universe telling me to take it easy, don't overexert myself, eat some protein for christ's sake!

the personal development aspect of this campaign has been the most difficult thus far.  am currently reading "the four agreements", which i am enjoying as it is strangely relevant to my life and goals right now.  the intro talks mainly about loving ourselves... that we are our own biggest critics and that, by listening to our biggest "judge" (aka ourselves), we are ultimately ingraining an agreement in our minds and souls that says we are stupid, unworthy of love, destitute, etc etc.  this passage especially affected me:

“in your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself.  and the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else… if you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt.  why?  because in your belief system you say, 'i deserve it.  this person is doing me a favor by being with me.  i’m not worthy of love and respect.  i’m not good enough.'"

 ding ding ding... way to call it how you see it, book.  i am my own worst enemy.  shit. 

so it boils down to this: i must be compassionate with myself and others.  i must be careful and deliberate with my words, as they are the source of my power and love.  and i must forge ahead.  

see you on down the road.