life retrograde: an ode to loving and living

there are periods in life where everything seems to be moving in opposing directions.  no matter how forward-moving your thinking and motivation may be, the universe always has its own agenda.  there can be periods of absolute synergy, where everything and everyone you encounter seems to be in tune with the rhythm of your soul.  there are also times, however, when everything seems to be in juxtaposition - energies are not aligned and it can feel like trying to shove a square peg repeatedly into a round hole.  right now it appears as though energies are shifting quickly in the latter direction, for myself and many others.

i have heard it all this past week.  cars getting stolen or wrecked or breaking down.  people losing their jobs or going through break-ups.  close friends and family members transgressing the living realm, leaving grieving loved ones behind.  and all of this ok.. it's life.  but that doesn't make any of these trials any less heart-breaking.  everyone has their own cross to bear and i can't help but notice so many people i love weighed down by the gravity of their respective worlds right now.

i spent this past weekend in napa with my family.  my stepfather has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of years suffering complications from radiation he underwent while battling thyroid cancer.  unfortunately for the family, his battle with cancer has recently come to a head - the tumor is back and is causing bleeding in his esophagus.  he has been in the hospital for a over month, underwent a tracheostomy (and thus can't speak, only write) and it appears as though his days are numbered.  his daughters have flown in from washington and gautemala to stand vigil by their father's bedside.  my mother spends her days juggling her life as a physician and her life as a bereaved spouse.  at this point jeff's battle with the cancer is a waiting game and from day to day we can't be certain whether he'll make it to the next.  it has been a terribly trying experience for us all and the worst part is not knowing when it will (and not wanting it to) end.

my family, for the most part, has been fragmented since i was a little girl.  i am a product of divorce and other familial dysfunction so various points in my life have been punctuated by the in-and-out of parents' new spouses and partners.  i have witnessed my parents' own heart-wrenching breakups and the whiplash of personal awareness that succeeds such violent personal upheavals.  i have yo-yo'd back and forth between resenting my parents and feverishly wanting to protect them.  i have been anchored by their grief and inspired by their resolve.  yet in the end, they've learned their own lessons and i've learned mine.

10 years ago my mom met a man who graciously and lovingly slipped into the position of devoted spouse, and jeff has been walking with us down this windy, sprawling road ever since.  though he and i were never particularly close, the love and adoration he has shown my mom over the past decade has afforded him a beautiful, sacred place in my heart.  his presence in my mother's life has been steadfast and consistent, a welcome reprieve from the vacillation of previous men.  so the distress i am experiencing is two-fold: experiencing jeff's delicate dance with life and death while bearing witness to my mom's pain and foreboding.  

 while spending time with my family this weekend, my "project" fell to the wayside.  i became more concerned with being present for my family and less concerned with whether or not i was juicing or going to yoga.  and i'm fine with that... because in essence, being with my family is taking care of me too.  the people i love are an extension of myself so time set aside to honor them is, by association, taking time to honor myself.  and accordingly, in order to be present for my family it is necessary that i am occupying a healthy, powerful space in my own life.  i can't attempt to carry the weight of their burden if i'm not strong enough to carry my own.

so this past month has been quite a journey.  i have watched my mother, quiet and strong, executing her own intricate choreography of spouse and caretaker, her labored dance of love.  i've witnessed my stepsisters slowly coming to terms with their father's morality.  i've felt the impact jeff's absence has had on my niece and nephews when they audibly wonder where their "grandpa jeff" is, can they go and visit him?  this month has seen its fair share of sadness and tears, joy and laughter, confusion and apprehension.  but the biggest takeaway is love.  this month has seen an insurmountable quantity of love.  though we all come from different places, different blood lines, different backgrounds, we have found unity and purpose in one simple word: family.

so here's to life.  may you live it unabashedly and well.  may your heart guide you to people who love and accept you, people you can call your family.  may your presence on this earth touch and inspire those you meet.  and upon your exodus from this world, may you realize the beautiful significance of having been "you".

"what can you do to promote world peace?  go home and love your family."
-mother teresa

project: progress

one week of cleansing is (almost) officially done.  it has been interesting so far, but i've managed to avoid caving to temptations.

my diet this past week has basically looked like this:

breakfast: green or black tea and a mason jar of "everything but the kitchen sink" juice (celery, cucumber, carrots, apples, bok choy, cabbage, jicama, ginger, cilantro, parsley, spinach, yellow bell pepper, etc.)

lunch: another 1/2 mason jar of said juice (supplemented with almonds and slices of carrots/red bell peppers)

dinner: 1/2 mason jar of chicken broth with vegetables (if i've worked out that day, will throw some chicken in there as well), followed by some rooibos tea

snacks: carrot sticks, red bell pepper slices, almonds, guacamole (homemade)

so that's that, folks.  this is what i've been subsisting on for the past week and, for the most part, i feel great!  was originally intending to do solely juice and vegetables, but on day 3 realized that being physical (yoga, gym, dancing, etc) meant that i needed to throw some protein in there.  wound up macking on a little bit of tofu fried in coconut oil, as well, but could tell it was what my body needed.  if anything, this cleanse has been an interesting experiment in really listening to what my body is telling me... now that i've completely cut processed and manufactured foods out of my diet, i realize that when my body is feeling a bit weak after yoga or the gym it's really screaming, "i need protein!".

though it has been fairly smooth sailing, i can't say that i haven't been tempted to say "fuck it".  this past friday was especially difficult, as the universal entities culminated in a perverse trifecta of egg rolls, tamales and pizza at the school.  oh, how i wanted a bite of those greasy, delectable treats!  it took every ounce of willpower not to succumb to those cravings... what helped the most was realizing that 30 days of not eating stuff like that isn't the end of the world.  come the end of december, i can stuff my face with all the egg rolls i want (however, i'm hoping at that point i won't even have the desire to!).

the yoga challenge has also been going well.  not gonna lie, have missed a few days... but not for lack of trying!  the yoga studio is in a high-traffic area of berkeley, so going to their evening classes can be tricky when it comes to parking.  that being said, though, i've been active every single day thus far (whether dancing, gymmin it up or gettin my downdog on), so i can't get too down on myself.  in fact, i think the days i don't make it to yoga are a sign of some sort - the universe telling me to take it easy, don't overexert myself, eat some protein for christ's sake!

the personal development aspect of this campaign has been the most difficult thus far.  am currently reading "the four agreements", which i am enjoying as it is strangely relevant to my life and goals right now.  the intro talks mainly about loving ourselves... that we are our own biggest critics and that, by listening to our biggest "judge" (aka ourselves), we are ultimately ingraining an agreement in our minds and souls that says we are stupid, unworthy of love, destitute, etc etc.  this passage especially affected me:

“in your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself.  and the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else… if you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt.  why?  because in your belief system you say, 'i deserve it.  this person is doing me a favor by being with me.  i’m not worthy of love and respect.  i’m not good enough.'"

 ding ding ding... way to call it how you see it, book.  i am my own worst enemy.  shit. 

so it boils down to this: i must be compassionate with myself and others.  i must be careful and deliberate with my words, as they are the source of my power and love.  and i must forge ahead.  

see you on down the road.

gettin juiced....

ah, we meet again... lovely to see you here!  welcome to my second installment of "musings of a millennial", or if you're into the whole brevity thing (name that movie), M.O.M.

so before i delve more deeply into this new project i have created for myself, i suppose i should qualify for just a moment (it'll only take a minute, i swear).  though i have recently (read: 1,460 days) been stuck between an existential rock and hard place, i'm lucky enough to have been swept under the wing(s) of some amazing people.  that being said, the inspiration to embark upon this journey was not innately mine.  the seeds were planted, in part, by my good friend liz.  if you know me well, you probably also know that liz has saved my life on multiple occasions.  in addition to taking me in when i was down and out, she has also offered legions of emotional support throughout the past four years, yo-yo-ing back and forth between friend and therapist (bless her heart).  she has been and continues to be a solid, steady, grounded influence for myself and many others. so when she shot me a text this past weekend saying she was planning a juice cleanse and i should suit up as well, i was pretty sold on it.  given her past experience with cleanses (and my complete lack thereof), i figured this would be a favorable way to ease into the process. in many ways this haphazard safari was inspired by liz.  so let's give it up for liz... she deserves at least a couple kudos, some pats on the back and (if you're feeling spunky) a round of applause. 

notwithstanding liz's influence, i've reached this "i need to change my life" apex many times before on my own.  sometimes i've even managed to make monumental changes.  for a period of time, i stopped drinking.  i ran every day, did yoga, ate healthy.  i was fit as fuck!  i worked a spiritual program that allowed me to face my shortcomings head-on and accept myself wholly and gracefully.  cultivated strong relationships with family and friends, as my head and heart were in healthy, wholesome places.  but remember that heart-wrenching relationship i mentioned before?  everything i was doing to honor myself at that point was a pathetic attempt to breath life into something that was already dead... as if finally taking care of myself would suddenly make my love quandaries clear and crystalline, for both him and myself.  well, hindsight is 20/20.  needless to say, when said relationship ended for good, self-respect and confidence flew out the door.  i started self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, food... anything that served to remove me from myself even the slightest bit.

these indulgent tendencies have not served me well.  i have no energy.  i find i'm depressed more often than not.  i'm much, much heavier and out of shape... all these factors combined have resulted in a rapid decline in self-esteem.  this rapid decline in self-esteem has resulted in most self-respect being thrown out the door.  without self-respect, i find that i am timid, afraid even, to meet new people.  i have woven my own anti-social, anxiety-ridden cocoon. 

but no more!  i choose to channel my inner susan powter and say, "stop the madness!"  this is my 30 day regimen for an intensive life makeover:


THE PLAN :
DIET/LIFESTYLE: 
-2 weeks of strictly juiced veggies/fruits (supplemented with raw veggies/fruits, and protein on a few occasions)
-after 2 weeks, i will slowly begin to incorporate solid foods (mostly veggies/fruits) and lean protein back into my diet
-no drinking for 30 days (this includes holidays)
-substitute tea for coffee
-i will also be attempting to ween myself off cigarettes (for good!)

EXERCISE :
-30 day yoga challenge (thanks to the lovely folks at Yoga to the People, this won't have to break the bank... they are a donation-based yoga studio and the classes i've taken so far have been great.  check them out: Yoga to the People, Berkeley )
-dancing approximately 2-3 times per week
-depending on energy levels, the gym may be an option (however, having not done one of these cleanses before, i'll play this one by ear)

PERSONAL GROWTH :
-supplementary literature: "the four agreements", "the power of now", and others that fine people like yourself will hopefully recommend
-going to various prayer circles, drum circles, liturgies, etc. to attain a sampling of the religious tutelage i have at my disposal (2-3 different ones per week... suggestions welcome!)
-create at least one body of art per week (whether paint, charcoal, choreography, etc.... just a means of getting creative juices flowing) 
-blogging!

this is the trifecta: diet/exercise/spiritual development and personal growth.  i know it won't be easy.  but i also know the hard work will pay off.  there will be days i'm feeling euphoric and days i'll want to throw in the towl.  i realize a lot of emotions will bubble up to the surface; some i'm willing to face and some i'm not.  but this is existence... this pain, this joy... this is living. 

i want to invite you on this epic quest.  i would love and appreciate your support and guidance during the next 30 days... but more importantly, i want to be a source of support for anyone who might be reading this. anyone who's gotten lost along their desired path and meandered down a road they've known all too well was not designated for them.  basically, anyone who's felt the way i have.

and most importantly... i'm doing this for myself.  i'm helping that lost little girl inside me finally find her way home.

"we should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them."
-alain de botton

1, 460 days later...

"musings of a millennial", eh? as the turn of the century happened more than a decade ago, the title of this blog seems less apropos than it did when i created this account four years ago.  in 2008, being a "millennial" seemed relevant, as i was reaching my mid-twenties (a shiny new pedestal of progression) and had "come into my prime" shortly following the turn of the millennium... unfortunately for me, what i thought was my "prime" was actually an elongated adolescence whose deceit lay ensconced within a delicately-woven tapestry of false volitions.  how telling that my first words gracing this blank page will take place four years (1,460 days) down the road from the "old me".  1,460 days ago i had a lot of suspicions as to what my future would look like.  99% of those visions have fallen through.  but today i find myself at a precipice, older and ready to grab destiny by the horns.  it took me those four years to finally be ready.

now... it is 2012.  i'm turning 29 in less than 6 months. i am just now starting to be fully emotionally and spiritually healed from the most heart-wrenching relationship and break-up in my life. i'm becoming more and more certain about what i don't want to do, yet am broaching a level of ambivalence toward what i do want as life catapults me closer and closer to "adulthood" (although, i ascertain that actual adulthood is a complete fabrication).  i both count and curse my blessings.  i feel in synch with the gentle tides of the universe one day, only to feel as though its monstrous waves are abetted to crash down upon my brow the next.  i am so sanely and insanely me.  i am a host of contradictions.  and i've decided something needs to change.  that feeling is what has brought me here, to the ether of the internet, to share these words with you.  i am tired of being silent.

the plan for reclaiming ownership of my life, though not concrete, is lofty.  on some levels i believe it will be necessary to change dietary and health habits... drink less, smoke less, do cleanses, exercise.  another aspect is opening myself up, spiritually and emotionally, to the tides of life.  this will involve meditation, yoga, reading, writing and doing art... allowing my soul to affect the world around me, not vice versa.  another will merely be to push myself outside of my comfort zones and place myself in situations that will foster personal growth and development.  and i'm telling you all this because i am inviting you on my journey. 

though this may all seem jumbled, and may not make any sense.... in essence, this  is an attempt to find my voice.  though i never completely lost it, i have neglected it for a long time, assuming that other people's voices held more weight.  i'm ready to reclaim it...  and i refuse to spend another 1,460 days trying to find it again.

and i want to know:

"tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
-mary oliver